Kshanti Shankara says, is remaining unchanged when one is wronged by another.
Whether verbally or by an action, which is against dharma, when one is harmed in any
manner, there is an impulse to retaliate. This reaction is called vikriya. It first occurs as a mental
modification and then is expressed in the form of either an oral or a physical
action. The absence of such a reaction is kshanti.
How can anybody remain without a
reaction when he has been wronged in his perception? Psychology will say a
reaction is legitimate. It is true in one way; but here we are going one step
further. We do not say that you should suppress anger but look into how you can
get past the reaction.
This is possible only when you have an
intimate understanding of the other person. What has prompted him to act in
this way? Each person acts or reacts in a given way because he cannot act
differently. If he could, he certainly would have. Generally we avoid people
whose behaviour we find difficult to handle. But that does not solve the
problem of my reaction. I have to look into myself and see why I am not able to
allow the other person to be what he or she is. Reaction happens only because
of intolerance or, looking at it in another way, internalisation.
When I feel hurt because of someone's
action I internalise that behaviour as though I had some responsibility for it.
The reality is that as an adult I am responsible only for my own emotions and
actions. If they are wrong I can always correct them. But I cannot afford to
take responsibility for the emotions and actions of others. The only thing I
can do is accept each person with whom I am required to relate exactly as he or
she is. Every person comes from a given background. With the same background, I
would do the same thing. That consideration of another's background as the
basis of his or her responses is maturity.
There are laws governing the behaviour
of the human mind. That is why it is possible to have a discipline of knowledge
called psychology. Certain backgrounds result in certain types of behaviour.
Who is responsible for that? If I can appreciate that, I will have compassion,
understanding, and a capacity to listen. Any action on my part in response to
what has happened will be born of an understanding of the person. This requires
great patience because it is not easy to understand another person. Sometimes
it takes years. People married for twenty years separate because there is a
failure in understanding. To understand another person we must be open to him
and most of us are not able to be so because of our own fears and anxieties. As
a result, the communication is not totally honest and consequently, neither is
the relationship.
Each one remains closed in some areas
and the behaviour is based on an anxiety to maintain the relationship. Instead
of making you mature, an intimate relationship causes further problems unless
you are able to be open and understand the other person. That openness is what
is called accommodation, kÀ¡nti. If you give that a very important place in your value structure,
you will find that you are open and easily able to understand people.
Then your action will be appropriate.
If, for want of data, it proves to be wrong, you can always correct it, but in
a reaction there is no correction because there is no learning, It just happens
even against your understanding. In action, however, we can learn. We cannot
count on being informed enough to make every action successful but we can
always learn. With great intention I may deliberately act out of sympathy but
the other person need not take it as an act of sympathy. He can always
misinterpret and think that I am patronising. At this level, further
communication is not easy. Even the most communicative people find it difficult
to communicate in this situation. But you have to try. I can perfect the action
or change the course of it as long as I am ready to understand another person.
And understanding another person is possible only when I have accommodation, kshanti.
The example I always give for kshanti is the baby kicking his father.
The father not only does not complain, he is so proud that he shares with his
wife, the joy of being kicked. But if the child were to kick him fifteen years
later, he would have an entirely different response. There was no reaction to
the baby kicking him because there was an appreciation of the background from,
which a baby kicks. The background is innocence. Even when the older boy kicks
there is a background. He may be under the influence of alcohol or drugs; there
may be a hundred different reasons but if I do not have accommodation, I can
never understand that background; I only react.
This value is not an ordinary one. I
would say it should occupy the most important place in the value structure. If
a person has kshanti, he is a saint. All other values—amanitva, adambhitva, ahimsa, etc., will follow because that person tries to understand and not
make judgments about others or himself. If you are not critical of
yourself, you can understand others without being critical and if you can be
kind to yourself, you can be kind to others. To be kind to yourself you
just have to enjoy yourself as a person. There is nothing wrong with you as you
are. Then, when Vedanta says that in spite of the limitations of your body, mind, senses,
you are p£r¸a, totally acceptable, it is
meaningful because psychologically you do not oppose that fact. If that vision
is understood thoroughly there is no problem. Any correction required in the
behaviour pattern is possible without self‑condemnation.
Saint becomes a very big word because we
give a saint an exalted stature so that we can continue to be what we are.
Everyone has to become a saint in as much as a saintly person is a mature
person. I have to take responsibility for my actions and emotions and
acknowledge that there is no outside force that influences me any more than
what I allow it to. I am the devil and I am the angel impelling my actions.
I am responsible for all my emotions and actions and others are responsible for
theirs. If I think their behaviour can be better, it is because I have not
understood their background. Seeing that is the only way to become mature.
If you go to a doctor with a headache,
he does not treat you as a good person or a bad person. He treats a problem.
Even if you are an alcoholic he cannot sit in judgement of your diseased liver.
Or, if a person in the delirium of a high fever insults the doctor, he cannot
take offence and refuse to treat the patient.
In
exactly the same way a saint responds to a person who has some behavioural
problems. He does not judge because he understands very clearly that nobody is
bad or good. Everybody is a mixture of countless different things—neither
good nor bad. There are certain behaviour patterns based on given backgrounds,
which are highly predictable. With a certain kind of father, mother, society,
schooling, there will be a certain behaviour. But one great thing about a human
being is that this programming can be undone. As an adult I can create an
antidote to habitual behaviour patterns rooted in my childhood. That antidote
is my value structure. Understanding it intimately, I give priority to a value
like kshanti,
accommodation. I consider this the most important value in the modern world
where there is so much tension and competition and therefore, rancour. The only
answer is to have a primary value like kshanti. That is the way to become mature.
Om Tat Sat
